"...ever since your goal found out that you were traveling toward it, it has been running to meet you.” - Paulo Coelho

"That is the beauty of the person who continues onward with enthusiasm and respect for the mystery of life as his only guide... He often has to stop because his strength fails him. At such moments, love appears and says: You think you're heading toward a specific point, but the whole justification for the goal's existence lies in your love for it. Rest a little. But as soon as you can, get up and carry on. Because ever since your goal found out that you were traveling toward it, it has been running to meet you.”

― Paulo Coelho

I had a sudden and blinding epiphany that I have a second chance to chase my dreams. I realized that the childhood dreams that I believed in so passionately once are not dead, but are more alive than ever. I have been given another try at being creative, intuitive, inspirational and bold. There is something out there waiting for me to grab it and wrestle it into my arms. There is something within me that is waiting to blossom into something bigger. There is a part of my soul that is starving for knowledge and freedom.

I am thrilled at this prospect of not knowing what I am supposed to do but knowing that I have the opportunity to chase it. The idea of going back to using scares me now for a different reason than it did just weeks ago. I am not afraid that I will harm my health, but that I will extinguish my flame. If I pick up another drink, my drive, my desire to search will be gone. I will be satisfied with endless days and meaningless existence. In my clear head, I can no longer be happy without learning, without questioning, without creating. I was dying physically, but my aspirations were altogether dead.

I want so badly to believe that things will change inside of me, in fact, they already have. I know I could go back to drinking, but I will never be the same as before. I know that there is something better now. There is a plan that I need to trust in and traverse. Every moment of my life has lead to this realization and there is no turning back. I am so excited for this journey. The unknown isn't as scary when you are actively searching and not mindlessly riding the waves. I am still scared, but hopeful. Unsure but curious. Cautious but optimistic.

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” ― Ernest Hemingway

One of the most hopeful feelings I have had recently, is that I don't have to do it all right now or today. This works for my sobriety as for everything else. I tend to have an all or nothing approach to life, which is common with people with addictive personalities. I want it all or I want nothing. If I am dieting, I am obsessive. If I falter, I give up completely! "Oh what is the use?! I have had a slice of cake! I might as well polish off the whole thing!" This is a learning process for me to realize there are only a few things I have to do today and one of them is not be completely perfect immediately.

In sobriety, I am seeing myself, my choices, my circumstances clearly for the first time in a long time. I am regaining my sanity in a way that is both delightful and terrifying all at once. It is hard to take that long look in the mirror. What have I become and what do I want to be? At the same time, I feel that I am finally in earnest, trying to become the person I imagine I can be. I am actively working on myself. In drinking, I was putting everything off until tomorrow - a day that never came. In sobriety, I am looking at everything today and taking the action, albeit small steps to conquer tall mountains.

I am happily finding success in the process. Today I am not who I want to be, but I am finding out who that is. I am not sad because I am not at the end of the goal, but happy that I still have the opportunity to work towards it. I am not in the perfect job right now, but nothing is holding me back from finding what will fulfill me. I am not sure what my passions are yet, but I have the ability to try blogs, run races, join groups, read books and develop hobbies passions are found!

I am starting to believe that my addiction was just a springboard - a place to start, if you will. This is what I needed to become who I was meant to be. I think my personality would have always led me down this path, but I believe in earnest that I am meant to diverge into a new life. I could not have gotten here without that first road, and I believe in time I will be grateful for every step along the way.

"Life is a journey, not a destination." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

“She worked her toes into the sand, feeling the tiny delicious pain of the friction of tiny chips of silicon against the tender flesh between her toes. That's life. It hurts, it's dirty, and it feels very, very good.” 
― Orson Scott Card, Children of the Mind

I have come to realize that in my sobriety I spend a lot of my time looking to the next activity. I find myself watching the clock to see when I get to move on the next thing, only to watch the clock again to see when that will end. It is a vicious cycle, and it made me realize that I am not living in the moment or truly enjoying what I am doing.

Even when I am doing something for leisure, watching a movie, reading a novel, I am thinking about what I am going to do next. When will this task be complete? When I am walking my dog, I rarely look up to the sky and admire the clouds or breathe deeply and feel the sun. These things are ignored as I work towards the next thing. In sobriety, it feels like I am wasting time when I am just sitting or just being still. Why am I discontent? When I was drinking, I did nothing. I wasn't moving forward and I certainly wasn't heading toward anything.

My new goal, is to start doing things I enjoy and living in the time that I am in. I have heard the advice that you should be doing what you love. Writing this blog has reminded me how much I love creating. It is time to find that passion. I have said before that the saddest thing that happens when people use mind altering drugs - be they alcohol or otherwise - is that they lose the motivation to be creative. I know many will argue that some people complete their best works drunk (Hemingway comes to mind) but I think mostly this is addicts grasping at drunken straws. I can personally attest I was less than a creative genius while I was ridding the world of bud light one can at a time.

Today is the day that I have. I am able to breath in and see the beauty around me. If things are not as I wish, I have the chance to assess whether I can change my situation. If I cannot change my circumstance, I can remember all that I still have and be grateful. So many of the people in the world are suffering and hurting. There is so much to be thankful for, from the freedom that I experience each morning I wake up in my own house to the peaceful bliss of walking  under a beautiful evening sunset. There is too much wonder in this world to close my eyes and forge ahead through time without accepting the journey for the magic that it is.

"The reward of our work is not what we get, but what we become." -Paulo Coehlo

Something that I am having a hard time dealing with is finding things to do with my time. I enjoy the weekends, but they can be a reminder of how much time I spent alone with the drink. This weekend I found myself thinking about drinking to kill time - specifically Sunday - because I didn't have anything else to do. How funny that alcoholics will think about drinking as an activity. I had to talk myself down from the ledge and remind myself that nothing would change except that I would break a promise to myself if I drank.

When I quit drinking, it was exhilarating at first. My physical health was almost immediately better. I was sleeping again, eating right, had more energy, no longer feeling sick when I woke up. These things were great. As time has worn on, I am having to deal with the mental effects of sobriety. Coming to terms with what I have done with my life thus far, remembering the things I have done when drunk, and basically learning who I am again. It is challenging looking at yourself with completely clear eyes and seeing flaws and weaknesses.

Part of the disappointment I feel these days, is that I don't have a solid friend base. For years I have I felt like a lone wolf when I was drinking and I could take friends as easily as I could leave them. This has resulted in having very few friends that aren't drinking buddies. Once I let everyone know that I had quit drinking, I have all but lost my drinking friends. (Sober people are terrifying to anyone that might suspect they themselves might have a drinking problem.) The few friends I did manage to keep around have their own lives because they certainly couldn't depend on me to show up for events or to be available to them. It occurs to me that I am basically starting at ground zero as far as creating a social life for myself. It is a little daunting.

I thought that once I got sober, everything would just be peachy. I would be instantly happy and have purpose and cause for my life. Ah, but this is not the way that those things happen. It turns out this is going to take time and patience - things that drunks neither have nor desire to attain. I have to work hard and look inward - another thing drunks aren't particularly fond of. This is going to take time.

The reason I titled this article with the Paulo Coehlo quote, is because I need to embrace it. Instead of worrying about reaching my goal of happiness, I need to embrace the journey. I need to realize that all of this self-realization is going to give me the reward of finally becoming the person I was meant to be. I never will become my true self if I never look at myself with honest objectivity.

Captain's Log. Day 1.

This is day 33 of my sobriety. I have been drinking since I was 17 and I am now 30. I went into rehab 13 days before my 30th birthday. I knew that I had a problem, and asked a good friend of mine (in a drunken stupor) to help. I got what I always dreaded one Saturday night - an intervention! Granted, I brought the intervention on myself. You see, I could have kept going as I was, but I would have most certainly started losing things. My health, my job, potentially my freedom.

A little over a month later, I can see the benefits in my life. I sleep regularly. I wake up easily. My health is vastly improved. I read more, I think more and I am overall more present in every activity of my life. I take care of tasks instead of putting them off. I am concerned with my health and want to do things that better myself. I don't have as much anxiety and I feel like I am regaining control on my life.

That being said, there is a giant hole in my life that I used to fill with booze. I spent many countless hours drinking instead of tackling life. I came home every night and drank until I slept giving little thought to where I was going with my life or in what trajectory I was sending myself. Every activity was alcohol-centric and now I have to find out how to fill that void. What do people do with their weekends when they don't spend them at bars? How do you meet people if it isn't over booze?

This is what the blog aims to solve. What do I do with myself now that I am sober? What does happiness look like if it isn't being drunk? How do I make my life meaningful and better myself? What do I want to do with the rest of my life? (Hint: this isn't it.)

I aim to answer these questions. I have plenty of time now. And really, that is the main thing we have that we fuck off as alcoholics: time.