“She worked her toes into
the sand, feeling the tiny delicious pain of the friction of tiny chips of
silicon against the tender flesh between her toes. That's life. It hurts, it's
dirty, and it feels very, very good.”
― Orson
Scott Card, Children of the Mind
I have come to realize that in my sobriety I spend a lot of my time looking to the next activity. I find myself watching the clock to see when I get to move on the next thing, only to watch the clock again to see when that will end. It is a vicious cycle, and it made me realize that I am not living in the moment or truly enjoying what I am doing.
Even when I am doing something for leisure, watching a movie, reading a novel, I am thinking about what I am going to do next. When will this task be complete? When I am walking my dog, I rarely look up to the sky and admire the clouds or breathe deeply and feel the sun. These things are ignored as I work towards the next thing. In sobriety, it feels like I am wasting time when I am just sitting or just being still. Why am I discontent? When I was drinking, I did nothing. I wasn't moving forward and I certainly wasn't heading toward anything.
My new goal, is to start doing things I enjoy and living in the time that I am in. I have heard the advice that you should be doing what you love. Writing this blog has reminded me how much I love creating. It is time to find that passion. I have said before that the saddest thing that happens when people use mind altering drugs - be they alcohol or otherwise - is that they lose the motivation to be creative. I know many will argue that some people complete their best works drunk (Hemingway comes to mind) but I think mostly this is addicts grasping at drunken straws. I can personally attest I was less than a creative genius while I was ridding the world of bud light one can at a time.
Today is the day that I have. I am able to breath in and see the beauty around me. If things are not as I wish, I have the chance to assess whether I can change my situation. If I cannot change my circumstance, I can remember all that I still have and be grateful. So many of the people in the world are suffering and hurting. There is so much to be thankful for, from the freedom that I experience each morning I wake up in my own house to the peaceful bliss of walking under a beautiful evening sunset. There is too much wonder in this world to close my eyes and forge ahead through time without accepting the journey for the magic that it is.
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