“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” ― Ernest Hemingway

One of the most hopeful feelings I have had recently, is that I don't have to do it all right now or today. This works for my sobriety as for everything else. I tend to have an all or nothing approach to life, which is common with people with addictive personalities. I want it all or I want nothing. If I am dieting, I am obsessive. If I falter, I give up completely! "Oh what is the use?! I have had a slice of cake! I might as well polish off the whole thing!" This is a learning process for me to realize there are only a few things I have to do today and one of them is not be completely perfect immediately.

In sobriety, I am seeing myself, my choices, my circumstances clearly for the first time in a long time. I am regaining my sanity in a way that is both delightful and terrifying all at once. It is hard to take that long look in the mirror. What have I become and what do I want to be? At the same time, I feel that I am finally in earnest, trying to become the person I imagine I can be. I am actively working on myself. In drinking, I was putting everything off until tomorrow - a day that never came. In sobriety, I am looking at everything today and taking the action, albeit small steps to conquer tall mountains.

I am happily finding success in the process. Today I am not who I want to be, but I am finding out who that is. I am not sad because I am not at the end of the goal, but happy that I still have the opportunity to work towards it. I am not in the perfect job right now, but nothing is holding me back from finding what will fulfill me. I am not sure what my passions are yet, but I have the ability to try blogs, run races, join groups, read books and develop hobbies passions are found!

I am starting to believe that my addiction was just a springboard - a place to start, if you will. This is what I needed to become who I was meant to be. I think my personality would have always led me down this path, but I believe in earnest that I am meant to diverge into a new life. I could not have gotten here without that first road, and I believe in time I will be grateful for every step along the way.