"The reward of our work is not what we get, but what we become." -Paulo Coehlo

Something that I am having a hard time dealing with is finding things to do with my time. I enjoy the weekends, but they can be a reminder of how much time I spent alone with the drink. This weekend I found myself thinking about drinking to kill time - specifically Sunday - because I didn't have anything else to do. How funny that alcoholics will think about drinking as an activity. I had to talk myself down from the ledge and remind myself that nothing would change except that I would break a promise to myself if I drank.

When I quit drinking, it was exhilarating at first. My physical health was almost immediately better. I was sleeping again, eating right, had more energy, no longer feeling sick when I woke up. These things were great. As time has worn on, I am having to deal with the mental effects of sobriety. Coming to terms with what I have done with my life thus far, remembering the things I have done when drunk, and basically learning who I am again. It is challenging looking at yourself with completely clear eyes and seeing flaws and weaknesses.

Part of the disappointment I feel these days, is that I don't have a solid friend base. For years I have I felt like a lone wolf when I was drinking and I could take friends as easily as I could leave them. This has resulted in having very few friends that aren't drinking buddies. Once I let everyone know that I had quit drinking, I have all but lost my drinking friends. (Sober people are terrifying to anyone that might suspect they themselves might have a drinking problem.) The few friends I did manage to keep around have their own lives because they certainly couldn't depend on me to show up for events or to be available to them. It occurs to me that I am basically starting at ground zero as far as creating a social life for myself. It is a little daunting.

I thought that once I got sober, everything would just be peachy. I would be instantly happy and have purpose and cause for my life. Ah, but this is not the way that those things happen. It turns out this is going to take time and patience - things that drunks neither have nor desire to attain. I have to work hard and look inward - another thing drunks aren't particularly fond of. This is going to take time.

The reason I titled this article with the Paulo Coehlo quote, is because I need to embrace it. Instead of worrying about reaching my goal of happiness, I need to embrace the journey. I need to realize that all of this self-realization is going to give me the reward of finally becoming the person I was meant to be. I never will become my true self if I never look at myself with honest objectivity.